Inside Out
by Anti-Social-Turtle
Summary: Carlos thinks about Kylie on a very eventful shift...sounds boring, but its not, and its way different for me, so R&R!


Disclaimer: THEY ARENT MINE! Ok? =D  
  
A/N: Ok so I'm sitting here reading Third Watch Quotes instead of doing my History Homework.. but what else is new right? So I get this sudden urge to write a Carlos fic, so here goes nothing.  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
Nothing is clear anymore, the one thing that has ever given me a semblance of family could die. Is dying. God I hate myself for not being able to help. I'm her father, biological or otherwise, I should have matched, I should be able to do something!  
  
The blare of the horn stirs me from where ever the hell my head's at. Why I chose to ride with Kim today, I doubt I'll ever know. Levine is nice and quite, she wouldn't question me, just assume I had personal shit and didn't want to talk about it. Which was true. But she hadn't been around long enough to know that one man's problem is the squad's problem in the FDNY.  
  
"What's with you today?" I heard Kim speak, but as usual I choose to ignore her. I mean we're sitting here stuck in traffic, sirens and lights blaring, and she chooses now to pick apart my "oh-so-delicate-mind". Yeah, not gunna happen.  
  
"Hmmm?" is my only response, I doubt my brain could even form the words to explain what was "with me" today anyways.  
  
"I said, what's wrong?" oh man, now she realizes that something's actually WRONG with me. Great. I can't win, can I?  
  
"Oh, nothing," oh yes smart-ass, that was believable. Now she's gunna jump down my throat and leave no subject, person, place or thing unturned until she figures me out. Women.  
  
I see her raise an eyebrow in my direction and as if The Power's That Be sensed I was drowning in self-pity, the traffic began to clear. Finally her eyes concentrate on the road, getting to where ever our call was. And if you asked me, I don't think I could even guess where that was. The radio was drowned out, and I'm sure Kim is still badgering me. But I can't hear any of it.  
  
They say you get selective hearing as you age, well I think mines finally kicking in.  
  
The bus finally stops, and it take me a while to figure out why this place is so familiar. But I get out, and then it hits me.. this was the one of many places I spent my shitty "childhood"-if you could call it that.  
  
"Come on Nieto!" Kim is now screaming 'cause I'm standing here just plain staring at the old-run-down-sorry excuse for an apartment building. So I follow her into this familiar and far from stable building, up the stairs, and to apartment 2C.  
  
The music was just like beating us down, I found myself stepping over the multiple barriers of furniture, in step to the music. Some low bass banging, the kind that makes your head pound and your heart race to keep up.  
  
Kim's way ahead of me, already in the kitchen, where I see this kid, this little girl sitting on the floor. There's blood so I figure it's hers, 'cause her mom nearby looks fine, and capable of dialing 9-1-1.  
  
I mean this kid cannot be more than 4 years old, and she's got the biggest blue eyes you could ever imagine. Now with a closer look, the girl sitting with her had to have been her sister, still a child herself.  
  
This is how I remember this place, dark, and loud, and filthy. I lived here way too long. The miserable faces of the kids embedded in your head. I felt tears stinging my eyes as I again thought of Kylie.  
  
She was probably still sleeping in the children's ward of Mercy, completely unaware that she was fighting for her life. That people were fighting for her. I remember this morning, when I tucked her in.. she still had that little dog I gave her. I loved that dog.  
  
Kim was still going on and on, and I knew that my body was responding, getting the bag of saline, or whatever it was Kim was asking for. But I couldn't stop staring at this adorable little girl.  
  
Some how when I again returned to reality again, we were back in the bus, I was at the wheel. Why? I mean I hardly knew I was in the bus, but yet now we're en route to Mercy. I'm sure I had to have memorized how to get there by now, but you'd think one would have to be aware of his or her where-a- bouts before driving there.  
  
Anyway, I think I'll go see her when we get there, just to swing by, reassure my nerves. I'm sure Mr and Mrs. Kenny are very capable, and lovin' parents, I mean I know. I wouldn't have given Kylie to them if they weren't. I just need to see for myself.  
  
We couldn't be more than five minute out; Kylie still on my mind, I looked in the rearview mirror. Kim had that special way with kids, must be like she is with Joey. I always wanted to be like that.  
  
I saw myself having kids, being a father, eventually. But I didn't think this would happen. Besides that little girls cut, she looked surprisingly healthy and happy. That's what I pictured my kid being like. Not sick in a hospital.  
  
I'm not even sure if I have the right to call her my kid either.  
  
The SUV couldn't have been obeying speed limits as it came through the intersection, I didn't even see it. Not that would of if I weren't looking in the rear view mirror. My mind was in another place; I shouldn't have been on the job, let alone behind the wheel.  
  
I brought the bus to a screeching halt, but the god'amn SUV just wouldn't stop. It made a left hand turn into our one-way lane, an obvious miscalculation. It plowed into the front of the bus, as if it wanted to go straight through us. The front passenger side crushed in, and the force sent the drivers side, my side, into the lane dividers.  
  
This was not gunna end well.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
My senses were all blurry. Someone was speaking to me, but it was like I was under water or somethin', I knew my eyes were open, but I couldn't see much, I felt the cold metal against my skin but couldn't place why it was there.  
  
"Kim?" I think she's the one talking to me. Her face started to 'come clear.  
  
"Carlos?" she sounds shocked, what the hell happened? I guess I didn't just fall asleep while she was in the bathroom or whatever.  
  
"Mmmmm," I let out a moan as I pushed myself up off the drivers door. My door. The accident. Oh shit.  
  
"Hey, hey don't move.. I called it in, back up is coming, just sit still." She actually sounded concerned.  
  
"You ok?" I finally found my voice. Though I couldn't really place the sounds. I knew I was talking 'cause I felt my chest ache, and my raw throat burn with pretty much every word.  
  
Sirens filled the air, and I wasn't sure if they were comin' from our bus, or the back up, I just wish they'd stop.  
  
"Uh, yeah, for the most part," she answered, then for the first time I see the little girl come into view, she's sitting behind Kim now, still on the stretcher. I turn my head around, and brace myself against the steering wheel to get a better look at her, see she's ok.  
  
"She's no worse for wear," Kim says, reading my mind. I'm tryin' to turn myself back around to a more comfortable position, ease the pain in my chest or something. I stop in pain and close my eyes. Yeah, FYI, big mistake when your sitting next to a paramedic. Hey wait, I'm a paramedic too, I think I would say something if I were going to pass out.  
  
"Carlos! Stay with me here!" yeah that's Kim for ya. Always jumping to conclusions, assuming the worst... I wonder where she gets that?  
  
But the wave of pain left and I opened my eyes just to please her. She looks relieved.  
  
"What's her name?" I ask, pretty much out of nowhere. She seems taken back by my simple question; maybe the sirens are getting to her too.  
  
"The girl," I shifted just my eyes this time towards the back, trying to clarify, "what's her name?" I cough out.  
  
"Faye," Kim told me. Hmmm Faye, that's a nice name. She reminds me so much of Kylie, and I almost killed her, almost killed Kim.  
  
The sirens are getting louder now, so I guess they aren't ours. I doubt the crappy wiring on the bus could have kept them going after the crash anyway.  
  
For the first time I looked out the windshield. Why was everything crooked? Angled? Was I laying down? No, I can't be laying down, it's the bus, we're leaning...oh crap!  
  
My side of the bus is leaning up against the lane dividers, teetering slightly in the wind, not dangerous though. But how the hell was I gunna get out?  
  
"You ok?" I guess my face must 'a looked worried as I followed the indent in the passenger side door, down the engine, and into my door. But I wasn't stuck, or pinned or anything. I moved, yeah, big mistake. It felt like something was tearing at my arm, and for the first time I noticed I was bleeding, a lot. Crap.  
  
I try to ignore it, just pulling my arm in against my chest, and continue to move out of the seat when Kim isn't looking. The bus wasn't very permitting of much movement though. And I was forced to sit again, this time facing the back.  
  
Faye looked scared; I hate that. There's a kid, a patient, scared, and I can't help her. I can barely help myself.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
I guess I blacked out again, 'cause I got that whole under water feeling going on again. My eyes are heavier this time, something isn't right about that. I don't hear Kim anymore either. Oh god, I hope she's ok. She's probably with Faye. I hope she's with Faye.  
  
I'm finally able to open my eyes, but the rest of my body didn't like that too much. My vision's cloudy again, and that made my headache worse. Not to mention my arm feels completely...well numb.  
  
Doc's lookin' at me this time; he usually drives. But I sure hope Levine is a better driver then I was when I was her age. Doc probably wanted to keep me company. 'Awe, how sweet!' I would roll my eyes if I could, but he might take offense.  
  
"Carlos, can you hear me?!" yeah Doc, I can hear you, and if you talk any louder all of Manhattan will too.  
  
I didn't bother to answer though, my head hurt too much to nod, and I don't even know what would happen if I tried to speak. But I think he knew. After riding together for nearly 5 years we got to know each other pretty well.  
  
"Just hang in there," wow, what's with the sincerity today? Everyone gets nice when you get hurt...hmm, note to self, almost get killed more often.  
  
"Doc?" yeah, ok so I apparently CAN talk. But I don't know if he heard me. He just gave me a look. His expressions all look the same after a while, but I'd say this was his, uh, curios face. I actually forgot what I was gunna say, but I doubt this was the time or place anyway.  
  
I could feel that I didn't have a C-collar on, so I didn't break my neck. Always a good sign. I continued to go over the mental, medical checklist. I didn't have an oxygen mask on either, so I guess I was breathin' ok. I'm guessing my arms numb 'cause they got the BP cuff on as a tourniquet. And everything else was pretty standard.  
  
My visions fading again, in and out with the sirens, it's very nauseating. Doc's got his worried face on now, but hey, I'm sorry, I don't control these things. Or maybe I do..Gives ya something to think about when you pass out.  
  
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*  
  
Man I hate hospitals; that's the second time today I've come back to that conclusion. I mean, I'm in them every day; transporting one patient or another. But you don't have to actually stay then.  
  
I also realized this when I was sitting with Kylie. She didn't know any better, for all she knew, the hospital coulda been the coolest place in the world. Probably was for a three year old. But as much as I wanted to be with her, I wanted to run outta that place like there was no tomorrow.  
  
Now I was stuck here, and feeling too crappy to even sign out AMA.  
  
I heard they called social services on Faye, got her and her sister into a good family, whatever their standards of "good" are. Kim was fine too, just shaken up, worried, but what else was new? I think one'a the nurses said the guy in the SUV had a heart attack. HA! There I was ready to kill the guy, and the reason he hit us was 'cause he was dying. Strange little thing called irony.  
  
Now someone' s knocking on my door, don't they know I have a headache? It just making it worse that I can't see Kylie like a planned. I closed my eyes and pretended to be asleep when they walked in, but it wasn't a "they", just Doc. Good ol' Doc.  
  
"Hey, how you feeling?" Doc asks, back to his considerate self. I wonder if anyone told him, about Kylie and all. I wonder a lot of things just sitting here. Like I wonder when I can get out of here.  
  
"Been better," I know he'll end up milking the details outta my day eventually, so I leave it curt for now.  
  
"Kim's pretty worried about you, she said you were acting pretty strange today," Doc started, "Wanna talk about it?"  
  
"I just need to check on Kylie." Standing up was out of the question but I was able to lift myself to a semi-comfortable sitting position, and looked Doc in the eye.  
  
"Kylie, your daughter?" Doc seemed shocked, besides the fact that I didn't finish my thought, and he had no clue what I was talking about.  
  
"Yeah, she's uh, she's sick," I started, determined to finally tell someone, who better then Doc, "I came to see her here this morning, it was just on my mind all day."  
  
"Is it serious?" Doc pulled this squeaky chair over to my bed. Yeah he's making himself comfortable. That means I get to spill my guts, filled with pity, and angst, and the tears I wanted to keep inside till I was alone. Maybe if I just answer his questions, he'll leave me alone.  
  
"Idiopathic aplastic anemia, I didn't match for a bone marrow transplant," I closed my eyes and put my head back against the gurney. Oh wait, I got a way to get him to leave, not that I didn't appreciate him being here. Like I said, I just need to be alone...  
  
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^  
  
TBC ok I was going to make this a one shot fic, but it just wouldn't end, so im cutting you off here till chapter two, the more reviews I get, the longer, better, and faster I write the next chapter. SO REVIEW! 


End file.
